The Doctor's Christmas List
by kaynibbler16
Summary: The Doctor muses over the things his wants most.


**A/N**: I know it's July but this got stuck in my head until I wrote it. Un-betaed. Enjoy! :D

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Doctor Who or any of its characters.

* * *

Of course he had one.

Well, it wasn't so much a Christmas list as a wish list. And it held pretty much anything and everything he had ever wanted throughout the years. Most of it wasn't in any particular order, although his more heartfelt desires were on the first page near the top.

The Doctor filled out many pages over the years, stretching from simple wants, like a few extra boxes of Jammy Dodgers and a new fez, to the return of Gallifrey and his people. Some were easily achievable by a quick trip to the market, but others were his soul's most desperate wishes that would never be fulfilled.

He often tried to avoid looking at the first page because it was filled with things he'll never get back. Things he lost. Things that occupy his most pleasant dreams, but are often destroyed and stripped from him in his worst nightmares. He kept the list by his bedside in a drawer whenever he wasn't writing down something new.

Like today.

He'd just dropped off the Ponds after a little jaunt to a pleasure planet filled with rollercoasters and waterslides and games that he abysmally failed at. It had been great fun; Rory won Amy a stuffed Emu and Amy won the Doctor a pink Teddy Bear wearing a fez. Rory pouted about this until Amy snogged him at the top of the Ferris wheel, much to the Doctor's chagrin because he was caught between them. Other than that, the entire day was fun and exciting for all three.

He scribbled down a few things on his most recent page before stacking it underneath the rest of the list. He was just tapping it on the desk when the first page caught his eye, just like it always did. He never told anyone about the things at the very top and only one other person had ever seen it.

River Song.

Not that he invited her to look at it, but she loved digging around for things and even his bedroom was not safe from her nosy habits. She had read through a majority of the list, starting with the very first page.

And she was completely confused about the random black space near the top between Gallifrey and Donna Noble.

Of course she asked him why it was there. He said it was for one of his deepest desires that he could not bring himself to name. She asked him teasingly if it involved a naughty night with her.

He just laughed.

He laughed because it was the only thing that kept him from sobbing. For him, the reason he didn't dare write down the name of the person who belonged in that space was because he never really wished to discuss with River about this person.

He loved River Song, really, he did.

But, he was not in love with her.

No, that place in his heart was already occupied by someone who was long gone.

Someone irreplaceable in his hearts, just like all his companions.

And as much as he loved River Song, she could be the jealous type. Then again, so was he and he didn't want to share _Her_ memory with River.

He just couldn't bring himself to do it.

So he just let River continue to wonder what was supposed to be in that space. Deep down, he knew that _She_ would always remain unnamed on his list no matter how much his hearts wanted to stain the paper with _Her_ name and the inscription that went with it.

The inscription that he wanted to shout to the heavens or at least whisper reverently in _Her_ ear the last time he saw _Her_ on the godforsaken beach. But no, that honor went to the other him; the more human, able to age with _Her_, him.

And all he could do was hope with everything that remained of his shattered hearts that the part human him would fulfill every hope and desire _She_ had and give her the adventure that the Doctor with the TARDIS never could.

It was painful to walk away from _Her_ again, this time by choice, but _She_ could finally have a life with the half human him, even if the Doctor still with his ship would forever miss _Her_ bright smiles and loving looks. It was almost worth the heartbreak just to know that she wouldn't be alone and that a part of him would always be with _Her_.

And so, he put away the list until another time when he would add some more to it and again gaze at that empty space with such longing and unspoken love.


End file.
